Friday, January 29, 2010

Last week off..

This is the Friday before the weekend of the Monday that I will go back to work.  Leo has been teething all day and struggling. I have been struggling too.  I know that we will all adjust- but I don't want to adjust.  These last four months at home with Leo have been magical.  It is where I should be.
When I first became a therapist, I thought it was some kind of calling.  I always cared so much for the struggle of other people- but now I don't feel the same way.  I feel like it has just been another form of martyrdom.  Putting others before myself - like so many of my Latina ancestors before me.  To say "I want" always felt so selfish.  It always felt like I should only "need".  Does that make sense?  I still care deeply about others.  I give my money and my voice whenever I can- but I want to put the same energy into me. As a therapist, you hear so many stories of heartache and trauma.  It can be deeply affecting.  Maybe things will feel different when I get back to work.  Maybe this time away will help me to feel a healthy distance and I can feel some balance.
I haven't made much art this week- too busy visiting blogs on the OWOH magical carpet ride!   Which has been amazing!  I have been exposed to so many wonderful artists!  I am so inspired to create- maybe tonight when everyone goes to bed I will try to make a painting.

9 comments:

Jasmine said...

Its a tough call. I have to consider returning from maternity leave soon too (no i don't have a baby though). When i had my first child i was working in homelessness and was so passionate about my work and helping my client group. Things do shift when you have children. For a start the long hours and unpaid overtime stop.

I'm sure you will work out a balance. Maybe you could work reduced hours?

I will watch to see how you get on xJ

(PS - The magic carpet brought me to you a few days ago)

Ayala Art said...

wow... I hope you can find a balance. The patients need your attention, but family comes first. I hear you. I left everything that wasn't kids, until they were older.

Caya-Papaya said...

I wish I could do reduced hours. I told my boss on the phone today that if I win the HGTV dream home, I am outta there. I guess I should count my blessings. My husband will be working nights- so he will be home with the baby during the day... and I can come home to breastfeed during lunch... so it could be worse

thanks for being so supportive. I love finding a community of artist moms!

Jennifer R.D. said...

Hi,
I found you thru OWOH. I am a second grade teacher and only had 8 weeks off with each of my boys. I continued to breastfeed by coming home at lunch.
If you nurse for a long time, you can skip this feeding when the baby eats food and drinks water. If this is your first, you will find that there is indeed a shift of loyalty and the "pieces of you" you leave at work. Even in a caregiving profession, you will be able to put it aside and focus in on your baby when you leave work. I still cared for my students, but my heart was filled with love for my child.
If you really want to be home focus on that wish and things will magically fall into place.
It is great that you and your husband can both care for your baby, so you don't have the childcare worry as well.
Good luck- that baby is a beautiful boy!
Jen
http://artisticallydesigneddiversions.blogspot.com/

Melinda Cornish said...

wow, what a tough job.....I cant even imagine how hard it will be to leave your little guy too......I wish you the best....melinda

T Carns said...

I like what you have to say. thanks for sharing.

Miss Meliss said...

It must be overwhelming to bare what you do, to witness the things you talked about and the thing you didn't talk about...more than overwhelming....it must be spirit-shattering! I have a difficult time witnessing the people in my life messing themselves up, messing up others, and getting messed up by others. I understand what you are talking about on a very small scale. It is extremely painful to experience what WE do to each other.

But, I want to add that what you do, what you give by being there for others is immeasurable, is HUGELY important, VITAL!! I honor this in you. Please never forget that if you weren't there for that child who was in so much pain they wanted to die....Who Would Be? It is so hard to watch suffering, but unfortunately our growth arises out of our pain. I wish it wasn't like that.

On behalf of the human race, I would like to THANK YOU for all that you've done and all that you will do - even if that isn't in the same way you've done before. I don't know how you do it, but I am ever grateful that you do!!

~deeply honoring your courage, your strength, your journey, and your spirit and HUGGING YOU BIG~
Melissa

Caya-Papaya said...

wow- thank you so much for all of your kind words. My clients often feel so let down by the universe that this work often goes without many thank yous. So, I really appreciate all of the support that you all have given me
My low days at work are pretty low, but the highs are extremely high. I am struggling with finding balance- and understanding that my priorities may shift, and that is okay.

rs gold for sale said...

thank you so much for all of your type terms. My customers often experience so let down by the galaxy that this perform often goes without many thank yous. So, I really appreciate all of the assistance that you all have given
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