Caya and Leo

   This has been such a hectic week!  I did start a new painting loosely based on my daughter. She asked for a painting of a mermaid- we will see how it goes   I posted my first pass at her face above.  The painting will be 10" x 20".  I just love that size canvas.  It is small enough that I can complete a painting quickly- and such a lovely proportion.  I love to begin my paintings with a black canvas. There is something about the metaphor of bringing something out of darkness that appeals to me.   I feel like it adds a level of drama that I can't always get when I start with a white canvas.  Does anyone else feel that way?
   On an interesting note, this week I found out quite by chance on the internet, that my grandfather's name was Olegario and his nickname was "Lio".  I never knew my grandfather- to be quite honest,  I didn't even know his name.  He died before I was born.    What is so interesting about this is that my son's name is Leo.  What is even more interesting is that my daughter's name is Caya (named after my grandmother, Cayetana).  So my children are named Caya and Leo.. and my mother's parents were named Cayetana and Lio.  Weird.  What is also odd, is that my mother had completely forgotten that her father's nickname was Lio.  Anyway, it made me feel very connected to my ancestry on some psychic cosmic kind of level.  Okay... I better get to bed.  My 4:00 am feeding is just around the corner!

Counting my blessings

My first week back to work is almost over.  I think I have been surviving fairly well.  I am lucky in that I can come home to breastfeed for lunch- and my day is over pretty early.  All in all, it could be a lot worse.  Tomorrow, the children I work with will be attending the Special Olympics basketball tournament- so that should be fun.  So, I am just trying to hold on to the positive- and let go of those feelings of sadness that I was so stuck in last week.  When I went back to work after my daughter was born, it was hard- but not this hard.  I don't know why things feel so different with my son.  Maybe because he has been such an easy little baby.  I have been so relaxed and happy.  I have made tons of art.
  The story of my daughter is an intense one of longing and disappointment and finally triumph.  I tried to have her for so many years.  And after a long struggle with infertility- I was able to get pregnant with the help of some amazing IVF doctors.  She was my first miracle.  For any of your who have undergone IVF, you know that it isn't an easy road.  You spend thousands upon thousands of dollars for the mere chance that you might get pregnant.  My husband and I decided that we could not do it again.  So with great sadness, I thought my daughter would be an only child.   My siblings have always been an integral part of my identity... I was so sad at the thought that she would be without that experience.  And then, last year in January, when my daughter was two years old, I became pregnant.  At age 42, I gave birth to my beautiful son.  My second little miracle.  Life can be pretty wonderful.
   So... I am back to work, and although I can sit and feel extremely sorry for myself- I have been amazingly blessed.  I am trying to stay in relationship with that notion about myself.  That I may not be rich, or get to stay home, or have a job that I love, but I am blessed beyond words.
Ps.  I promise that the next blog entry will be more happy upbeat and full of art!

Last week off..

This is the Friday before the weekend of the Monday that I will go back to work.  Leo has been teething all day and struggling. I have been struggling too.  I know that we will all adjust- but I don't want to adjust.  These last four months at home with Leo have been magical.  It is where I should be. 
When I first became a therapist, I thought it was some kind of calling.  I always cared so much for the struggle of other people- but now I don't feel the same way.  I feel like it has just been another form of martyrdom.  Putting others before myself - like so many of my Latina ancestors before me.  To say "I want" always felt so selfish.  It always felt like I should only "need".  Does that make sense?  I still care deeply about others.  I give my money and my voice whenever I can- but I want to put the same energy into me.  Plus,  I think this work is inherently traumatizing.  Knowing that seven year olds can be in such emotional pain that they want to end it all- is difficult knowledge.  Watching a child have a psychotic break can cause me to cry in my car all the way home from work.  I don't think that emotionally, people were meant to hear these stories and bear witness to these events on a daily basis.  Maybe things will feel different when I get back to work.  Maybe this time away will help me to feel a healthy distance.
I haven't made much art this week- too busy visiting blogs on the OWOH magical carpet ride!   Which has been amazing!  I have been exposed to so many wonderful artists!  I am so inspired to create- maybe tonight when everyone goes to bed I will try to make a painting. 

magic carpet ride!

I love the idea of a blogger open studio... and have been visiting all kinds of amazing sites all evening as my little one sleeps peacefully.... so I decided I want to be a part of this!  For more information you  can click on the image on the side bar.  An important part of this world wide open studio is that each blogger is giving away something to someone at random who leaves a comment on their blog after this post.   I have already thrown my hat in the ring for some very beautiful and precious things!!  So.. here is my give away.

3 Frida Ornaments- 2" x 2".  Each ornament is a reproduction of one of my original paintings of Frida Kahlo. Each small print is professionally printed on high quality metallic paper and framed in glass and an antique copper memory frame. 

Please make sure that if you leave a comment that there is a way that I can  contact you (an e-mail address) if I am not directed to your own blog.  I know there are lots of beautiful blogs to investigate - and  I am so glad that you stopped by to visit me.  Please check in again soon!  Deadline to leave a comment is February 14th, 2010 at midnight PST(California).  I will choose a winner at random and announce the winner on February 15th, 2010!

Setting Goals

So... it is said that the best thing you can do to reach your goals is to first write them down.  I am a firm believer in breaking down big goals so that they are not quite as daunting.  As a therapist, I often will set very small goals so that both my client and myself can feel successful and build upon that success.  There is nothing like momentum when you are trying hard to achieve something.  So.. here are my goals for the week!

1.  Have a total of thirty listings in my ETSY store by Sunday
2.  Make some cookies.
3.  Start working on valentines day cards with my daughter.
4.  Clean out the art cabinet in the music room- which we hope to be converting into a special room for my daughterl
5.  Send my mother a package.
6.  Enjoy this last week with my son before I go back to work.

I will keep you posted as to how I do!  The image in one of my most recent additions to my ETSY store.  I have been having so much fun making art these past few months.  I have to really work hard to make sure that continues even after I go back to work.

one more week..

In one week I have to go back to work.  No more staying home with my little one- breast feeding through the Today show and then making art while he sleeps.  I love how he wakes up in his swing and watches me make art.  So peaceful, joyful, and content. I love him so much that every part of me aches.  The sadness I feel about going back to work is overwhelming.  I also am completely worried about my mother who is battling cancer a thousand miles away from me.  I want to go home.  I want to be with my family.  I don't want to go to work.  It is so hard to be a therapist and put all of my own problems and  issues neatly away so that I can be present for someone else.
I have to focus on what is good in my life.. and the fact that in this economy, I am lucky that I am paid well to do the work that I do.  I am just going to try to keep focused on what kind of life I want- and really work hard to find ways to create the life I am desperate for.  It may not happen right now.. but it will happen soon

Valentines Day Card Entry

So.. I have decided to try my hand at designing a color yourself valentine day card for a contest from the bloggers at Cool Mom Picks. Disclaimer: I did this with very little sleep after midnight... but I am proud that I actually accomplished something. Yesterday I soothed a teething baby all day long, did six loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom, played with Caya, and did a little art. Not bad.

http://www.coolmompicks.com/valentines-design-contest/