Valentines Day Card Entry

So.. I have decided to try my hand at designing a color yourself valentine day card for a contest from the bloggers at Cool Mom Picks. Disclaimer: I did this with very little sleep after midnight... but I am proud that I actually accomplished something. Yesterday I soothed a teething baby all day long, did six loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, the living room, and my bedroom, played with Caya, and did a little art. Not bad.

http://www.coolmompicks.com/valentines-design-contest/

2010

I really want to spend this year doing those things that make me happy- and finding ways to change those things that do not. Currently, I teach, do therapy, and create art. I love teaching- and I am desperate to make art... but I am a little burnt on doing therapy. I want to live the life that I want for my children... they will use me as an example. The best thing you can do for your children is be happy. So that is my major resolution for this year.

Making and selling art

I sold a painting last week- my fourth painting to sell in the last three months. I am so happy to have sold a piece, but can't help but feel some melancholy as well. People seem to be most drawn to those paintings that are extremely personal and emotionally charged for me. Those paintings that I make with the pure intention of selling are of no interest to a prospective buyer. So why am I selling? Partly because with a new baby, I can use the money... but more so because it is time to let go of some of these pieces and the feelings attached to them. Like the piece of the little girl who lost her family in the tsunami. I painted her when I thought that I could not have any children. I was childless- and she was motherless... and the painting was the only thing I felt like I could create to fill that void. That was four years ago... and now I have two beautiful children. She was still so hard to say goodbye to- but I know she has a good home.
Pavel Filinov was this eccentric Russian artist who felt that each piece of art he created was alive and that with time, they would change and grow- just like children. That notion has always resonated with me. Maybe they don't change... but my relationship to them does change, which I guess is really what art is all about...

Leo

Leo came on September 26th, 2009. It was quite a difficult pregnancy- but a pretty easy birth... well as easy as birth can be:-) Perhaps because this time around I had no preconceived notions about what might take place. I simply trusted my body and my son to do what they needed to do. When the pain was too intense, I decided for the epidural and took a nap. Woke up and had a baby. Pretty cool. Letting go has never been my strong suit. I generally like to make things more difficult than they need to be... but I am learning.
Leo is now six weeks old. He is beautiful and healthy and I am feeling very blessed with this amazing gift. He sleeps a lot and I have been able to paint! Which has felt wonderful... but more about that in my next post. My daughter has had some trouble adjusting, but I trust her process and try to show her as often as I can how much I adore her.
Breastfeeding has been slightly painful, but I am enduring and working through. He is gaining weight like a champ, and I am feeling successful and happy. Being an older mom can be hard on the body, but except for an unfortunate accident with my eyelash curler that destroyed half of my eyelashes- I am doing okay. I guess it really doesn't matter since I pretty much stay in my pajamas all day.

almost midnight...

and here I sit feeling my little one kick and tumble. His movements are so much stronger than Caya's were. I can see my stomach undulating... waves of elbows and knees.... hands reaching... a pointed little ankle jutting from below my chest. There is truth to the notion of sadness that a mother feels when she knows that soon she will have to share this little one with others. He will no longer be mine alone. I won't be the only one to tell when he is sleeping and when he is awake. The intimacy that we have shared will end- and our new relationship will begin.

Some theorist talks about how life is a series of losses... and how dealing with each impending loss is the true task of being human. The first loss is the loss of the comfort of the womb. The cutting of the cord. No matter how difficult this pregnancy has been, I will miss this time we have shared together. You are my miracle and I am already so deeply in love with you that it hurts.