almost midnight...

and here I sit feeling my little one kick and tumble. His movements are so much stronger than Caya's were. I can see my stomach undulating... waves of elbows and knees.... hands reaching... a pointed little ankle jutting from below my chest. There is truth to the notion of sadness that a mother feels when she knows that soon she will have to share this little one with others. He will no longer be mine alone. I won't be the only one to tell when he is sleeping and when he is awake. The intimacy that we have shared will end- and our new relationship will begin.

Some theorist talks about how life is a series of losses... and how dealing with each impending loss is the true task of being human. The first loss is the loss of the comfort of the womb. The cutting of the cord. No matter how difficult this pregnancy has been, I will miss this time we have shared together. You are my miracle and I am already so deeply in love with you that it hurts.

Checking in..

I haven't written in a while... but that is kind of my adhd life. I start something- and then forget about it. I told a friend that I started to write a book, but got bored around page two. If I don't complete a painting in a day or so, I never will complete it. Kind of sucks. I probably could use some kind of intervention. Maybe some adderall after the baby stops breastfeeding. Jack Kerouac wrote On the Road in three weeks on a prescription for adderall. Can't be all bad.... Plus it would get rid of that extra baby weight:-) I don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs... maybe it is time to kick the sobriety habit just long enough to get some stuff done.

My sister reminded me that I have a blog today, so I thought I might as well check in. This pregnancy has not been easy. Sick, tired, swollen... and bleeding when I am not supposed to be. Tuesday I went in for fetal monitoring and had four contractions in twenty minutes. The administrator looked a bit freaked so I had to go to my ob. It's funny how you can have a stomach that sticks out like a basketball, and yet you can completely and utterly disassociate from the notion of actually giving birth. When she told me that she was concerned that I might be in the early stages of labor, I could no longer hold on to the denial that this baby will in fact have to come out at some point... and that generally means labor. I became hot, nauseated, sweaty, and felt as if I might pass out. I called my husband crying. Turned out to be a false alarm... so now I am back to the happy denial place again. What a relief!

Sunday is my daughter's third birthday party. Three weeks early- but I was a bit afraid that the impending birth of her little brother might interfere with her party plans. She is so happy about having a little brother. She is already telling me how she will comfort him... how she will protect him... how she will share with him... how they will love each other. Of course, she also tells me that I pretty much belong to her, and that the baby gets daddy. I imagine it will be a challenging experience for her. She is such a beautiful and amazing little spirit. I adore my siblings... and was so afraid that she would not have the opportunity to share her life with a sister or brother.

I guess all in all... life is good.